Conversation City

A: How would you describe yourself in one word?
B
: Cold.
A
: In three words?
B
: So very cold. Did you like that Sheela na Gig carving I gave you?
A
: I liked it very much.
B
: I’m glad you liked it very much.
A
: I was being sarcastic. It’s disgusting.
B
: So was I. I’m distinctly not glad you like it.
A
: Does your foot still hurt?
B
: After the accident?
A
: No, I meant after the birth.
B
: So you meant after the accident?
A
: Don’t mock me.
B
: I’m not mocking you. I’m just mocking your phobia of things that touch water by three sides.
A
: You do not scare me.
B
: I am not a peninsula, so I am not surprised.
A
: I also have a great pain in my foot. In future, I must be more careful with the umbrella.
B
: Where is it?
A
: Below the ankle.
B
: Even when it rains?
A
: I was talking about my foot, not my umbrella.
B
: So was I.
A
: It’s so painful, I will have my funeral next week.
B
: I will bring balloons.
A
: Why?
B
: All funerals have balloons. Black ones, obviously.
A
: For every balloon you provide, I’ll hand out a needle to a mourner to pop it.
B
: Ah, but I’ll hide something inappropriate inside the balloon that’ll only be released if popped.
A
: They can throw it away.
B
: Not if it’s carbon monoxide.
A
: Carbon monoxide is solid in-between -205 °C and -192 °C. Then it can be thrown away.
B
: Won’t that be cold?
A
: We’ll just have to wear warm coats.
B
: And a scarf.
C
: I’m not a part of this conversation.
A
: Last night, I had a dream where I drowned in pools of my own blood. I don’t know what itvmeans; I just know that it’s not good.
B
: #######################
A
: ?
B
: If you include Antarctica, there are only six consonants. Oh, not consonants, I meant compliments.
A
: I’ve heard it lovely there.
B
: I’ve heard it’s lonely there.
A
: Graveyards aren’t lonely. It’s a party with dead people who can’t leave.
B
: Several years from now, there’ll be so many deaths that the whole planet will be a massive cemetery to fit everyone. I read it in a newspaper.
A
: Newspapers are false. I read that a scientist chemistrated that the best part of a roller coaster is going down at a terrifying speed because everyone subconsciously wants to die.
B
: But that sounds true.
A
: Then why is everyone so relieved at the end of the journey?
B
: Because the drive home from the amusement park is the Afterlife, and the traffic jam is Limbo.
A
: No, because I made it all up. Even about funerals having balloons.
B
: But I’m the one who said that.

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