2018, it turns out, is the first year in history to be divisible by the number 2018. Who knew?

In 2011’s roundup I swam through cold weather to Bill Callahan’s favourite island. In 2012’s roundup Joaquin set the Instagram filter to “Kenicky”. In 2013’s roundup Carruth paddled with red herrings. In 2014’s roundup I missed more films than a Penrose triangle has corners. In 2015’s roundup I secretly won the lottery. In 2016’s roundup, I copied and pasted the same intro from 2015. In 2017’s roundup, I copied and pasted the same intro from 2015.

This year? Well, like I always say, life’s not worth living, but let’s relive it anyway. For more, follow @halfacanyon.

1. Phantom Thread (Paul Thomas Anderson) – 9/10
I’m Vicky Krieps. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.

2. 120 BPM (Robin Campillo) – 9/10
That final sequence…

3. Columbus (Kogonada) – 9/10
There’s a phrase, often attributed to Frank Zappa, that writing about Columbus is like writing about the origins of “dancing about architecture”.

4. Sorry to Bother You (Boots Riley) – 8.5/10
Will probably rewatch this once a year until I die. Though I plan to die next year, so that’s not really saying much.

5. Lady Bird (Greta Gerwig) – 8.5/10
Saw it three times, and it got better every time. Fourth viewing might be too much, though.

6. Mission: Impossible – Fallout (Christopher McQuarrie) – 8.5/10
Would like to see Leos Carax direct the next one.

7. Isle of Dogs (Wes Anderson) – 8.5/10
If you say it really quickly, it sounds like Isla Fisher.

8. Suspiria (Luca Guadagnino) – 8.5/10
Better than Argento’s?

9. Shoplifters (Hirokazu Koreeda) – 8.5/10
Think this might be his best film?

10. Let the Sunshine In (Claire Denis) – 8/10The French auteur, one of our greatest living filmmakers, has never really been famed for her sense of humour. And yet Let the Sunshine In is hilarious, a melancholic sex comedy full of lyrical interludes and the kind of pathos one expects from the director of Beau travail and 35 Shots of Rum.

11. The Square (Ruben Östlund) – 8/10
“The Square is a sanctuary of trust and caring. Within its boundaries we all share equal rights and obligations.”

12. You Were Never Really Here (Lynne Ramsay) – 8/10
Joaquin Phoenix wiping blood off a hammer is a difficult image to shake off.

13. Roma (Alfonso Cuarón) – 8/10
Works on both the big and small screen, FYI.

14. Game Night (John Francis Daley, Jonathan Goldstein) – 8/10
The Game with punchlines. Which is evidently the way forward to ensure the silver, metallic ball goes around the circuit, jumps the hoops, and makes it into the net before the cuckoo clock starts blaring. (Seemed more interesting to reference Screwball Scramble than saying “pass Go”.)

15. Nancy (Christina Choe) – 8/10
This should have received way more attention (I guess I’m partly to blame). Andrea Riseborough’s greatest performance?

16. Leave No Trace (Debra Granik) – 8/10
Made me rethink my life – but not enough to actually do anything.

17. Faces, Places (JR, Agnès Varda) – 7.5/10
Could watch on a loop forever (not literally – would get bored eventually).

18. First Reformed (Paul Schrader) – 7.5/10
I watched this during the sweltering, punishing heat wave of 2018. A sign of things to come?

19. Private Life (Tamara Jenkins) – 7.5/10
Tragic it went out in literally zero UK cinemas.

20. Lean on Pete (Andrew Haigh) – 7.5/10
It’s lonely when your only friend is a horse.

21. The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (Joel Coen, Ethan Coen) – 7.5/10
Ranking: 3, 5, 1, 4, 6, 2.

22. The Old Man and the Gun (David Lowery) – 7.5/10
The montage at the end is the funniest moment of the year. And it’s something I flat-out stole from in a screenplay I was finishing around the time.

23. Mandy (Panos Cosmatos) – 7.5/10
Best film score of the year?

24. The Wild Pear Tree (Nuri Bilge Ceylan) – 7.5/10
The first Ceylan I didn’t hate. Make of that what you will.

25. The Miseducation of Cameron Post (Desiree Akhavan) – 7/10
Even better on second viewing.

26. Wonderstruck (Todd Haynes) – 7/10
Todd Haynes, once again, strikes a chord with how he depicts outsiders.

27. Jeune femme (Léonor Serraille) – 7/10
Later on, she admits, “I’m nostalgic for things I haven’t done yet.” In that sense, Jeune femme shares parallels with Frances Ha – you know, if Frances Ha was French, downbeat, and concerned about hidden homelessness.

28. Hereditary (Ari Aster) – 7/10
You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family curses.

29. Lucky (John Carroll Lynch) – 7/10
Paris, Texas 2.

30. Roman J. Israel, Esq. (Dan Gilroy) – 7/10
It’s a mess, sure, but only because Gilroy takes risks with the storytelling, pacing and characterisation. And I am all for it.

31. Searching (Aneesh Chaganty) – 7/10
Want to know what it’s about? Look it up on Bing.

32. First Man (Damien Chazelle) – 7/10
Very boring, very beautiful. In that order.

33. Happy New Year, Colin Burstead (Ben Wheatley) – 7/10
Coriolanus.

34. In the Land of Steady Habits (Nicole Holofcener) – 7/10
It’s criminal that a new Nicole Holofcener movie didn’t get a cinema release.

35. A Fantastic Woman (Sebastian Lelio) – 7/10
Probably won the Oscar because I interviewed him a week before the ceremony. I’m implying I’m a good luck charm. It’s a joke because everything I touch turns to fire (in a bad way).

36. Cold War (Paweł Pawlikowski) – 7/10
A star is born – but good?

37. The House That Jack Built (Lars von Trier) – 7/10
Weeks later, and I am still wrapping my head around this. And that’s a good thing (although I will change my mind on that tomorrow).

38. Hearts Beat Loud (Brett Haley) – 7/10
A Ghost Is Born.

39. The King (Eugene Jarecki) – 7/10
Should’ve stuck with its original name, Promised Land – Gus Van Sant would’ve forgiven him.

40. The Hate U Give (George Tillman Jr) – 7/10
Amandla Stenberg is (a) Starr.

41. Zama (Lucrecia Martel) – 7/10
I fell asleep about five times during this – but Martel, at the Q&A, said she sees the film as a shot of fine whiskey, and mid-movie snoozing is a compliment. I’m not entirely sure about that, but am happy to go along with it.

42. Upgrade (Leigh Whannell) – 6.5/10
B-movie fun with B-movie Tom Hardy and B-movie Dane DeHann.

43. Apostasy (Daniel Kokotajlo) – 6.5/10
One of the best director Q&As I’ve ever witnessed.

44. Widows (Steve McQueen) – 6.5/10
Some cool running.

45. Skate Kitchen (Crystal Moselle) – 6.5/10
Some cool skating.

46. BlacKkKlansman (Spike Lee) – 6.5/10
Ending is one of the most powerful things I’ve seen in a cinema. The gotcha scene leading up to it – not so much.

47. L’Amant double (François Ozon) – 6.5/10
Didn’t really work on second viewing, so this is an aggregate score.

48. My Golden Days (Arnaud Desplechin) – 6.5/10
Hit and miss (I saw it two years ago – can’t really remember it.)

49. Loveless (Andrey Zvyagintsev) – 6.5/10
Only shallow?

50. The Breadwinner (Nora Twomey) – 6.5/10
Beautiful.

51. Unsane (Steven Soderbergh) – 6/10
I hated it. Which I think was the intention.

52. Annihilation (Alex Garland) – 6/10
Skip the first half – second half is 8.5/10 filmmaking. (But don’t actually do that, because it won’t make sense. It’s like life – you’ve just gotta suffer through it, and then it ends.)

53. Anchor and Hope (Carlos Marques-Marcet) – 6/10
A bit of a let-down after 10,000 km.

54. On Chesil Beach (Dominic Cooke) – 6/10
Cooke, primarily a theatre director, does a decent job at presenting the romance in widescreen – sometimes by using the size of the frame to visualise the gulf between the couple. But someone should have stepped in to prevent the cataclysmic epilogue: old-age make-up and crying ar an unwise combination when attempting to execute a sincere dramatic climax.

55. Set It Up (Claire Scanlon) – 6/10
Is this a film or just a really long sitcom pilot?

56. Tag (Jeff Tomsic) – 6/10
That Renner didn’t invite his best friends to his wedding because of a long-running game of tag is funny. Sorry.

57. The Escape (Dominic Savage) – 6/10
A heady mix of guilt, fairytale fantasy, and self-hatred. Still, you have to say it quietly: the film is kinda boring. (And if you do, make sure it’s unscripted and played for naturalism.)

58. Love, Simon (Greg Berlanti) – 6/10
“It’s not like your all-hoodie wardrobe rocks my world.”

59. Disobedience (Sebastián Lelio) – 6/10
Aside from a hummable snippet of The Cure’s “Lovesong”, it’s more like a lesser album track from Disintegration. (Hey, should that have been the title?)

60. Have a Nice Day (Liu Jian) – 5.5/10
It’s not like those other tired Tarantino ripoffs – this one’s animated.

61. A Star Is Born (Bradley Cooper) – 5.5/10
I guess it’s nice that Bradley Cooper loves himself so much.

62. Book Club (Bill Holderman) – 5.5/10
I did laugh a lot when paperbacks for the 50 Shades sequels were dished out.

63. 6 Balloons (Marja-Lewis Ryan) – 5.5/10
75 minutes long, including five minutes of credits. Why? Go big (100 minutes) or go home (something something Netflix).

64. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missourri (Martin McDonaugh) – 5.5/10
A movie written in reverse.

65. Puzzle (Marc Turtletaub) – 5.5/10
Arguably the best film I’ve seen this year called Puzzle directed by Marc Turtletaub.

66. Tully (Jason Reitman) – 5.5/10
I was fully on board – until that ending.

67. The Week Of (Robert Smigel) – 5.5/10
Sorry, the strip club scene here is funnier than the strip club scene in Top Five.

68. Western (Valeska Grisebach) – 5.5/10
An extension of the only bit of Toni Erdmann I didn’t care for.

69. Halloween (David Gordon Green) – 5/10
We probably should’ve been harsher on the fact that Prince Avalanche was a remake..

70. Last Flag Flying (Richard Linklater) – 5/10
Well, maybe if they film it in 12 years’ time, Boyhood-style, it’ll be way better?

71. The Shape of Water (Guillermo Del Toro) – 5/10
“Then neither are we.”

72. The Spy Who Dumped Me (Susanna Fogel) – 5/10
The action scenes carried the comedy here. Which wasn’t what I was expecting. The constant quips were fairly week and grew exhausting by the end, especially as the main characters speak with the same voice.

73. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (J.A. Bayona) – 5/10
The first half is 2/10, the second half is 6/10, the twist is 10/10.

74. The Boy Downstairs (Sophie Brooks) – 5/10
The takeaway here, from Sophie Brooks’ watchable but unadventurous romcom, is that Zosia Mamet (Shoshanna from Girls) and Matthew Shear (the not-boyfriend from Mistress America) may be hilarious in an ensemble, but they’re not compelling enough to lead a film on their own.

75. Thoroughbreds (Cory Finley) – 5/10
Concept, visuals, pacing, tone, acting – all excellent. But it’s a comedy that didn’t make me laugh. Will try to see again…

76. The Endless (Justin Benson, Aaron Moorhead) – 4.5/10
I really wanted to love (and understand) this. Alas…

77. Deadpool 2 (David Leitch) – 2.5/10
I have to begrudgingly admit that I laughed twice during this.

78. I Feel Pretty (Abby Kohn, Marc Silverstein) – 4/10
Could have been worse, I guess.

79. Bird Box (Susanne Bier) – 4/10
LOL – come back, Alien: Covenant, I’m so sorry I was harsh on you.

80. Brad’s Status (Mike White) – 4/10
30% film, 70% voiceover.

81. Overboard (Rob Greenberg) – 4/10
Surprisingly sweet and gentle, with a heart the size of a giant iceberg, and with the best of its many terrible gags being that the two titanically charismatic leads are called Kate and Leo. Get it? It’s like Kate & Leopold.

82. The Rider (Chloe Zhao) – 4/10
A hit with everybody apart from me.

83. Racer and the Jailbird (Michaël R. Roskam) – 4/10
Everyone should watch this film. Not because it’s particularly good, but due to the unbelievably misguided third act which gets worse and worse as it chugs along. I’m so thankful to have experienced it in a cinema with an unsuspecting audience who involuntarily laughed during the more serious moments.

84. Blockers (Kay Cannon) – 4/10
Blockers bills itself as a female American Pie, which isn’t just plot-related; the producers are to blame for American Reunion (a credit left off posters, funnily enough). Although the movie flirts occasionally with mature themes (coming out to your best friends and family; losing your children to adulthood etc), the characters are so phony, cartoonish and underdeveloped that it feels like a marketing-related afterthought. And if you read Cherries, the original spec script, you can’t help but feel cynical about the outcome.

85. The Post (Steven Spielberg) – 4/10
Not my least favourite Spielberg of the year.

86. Ocean’s 8 (Gary Ross) – 4/10
Well, Anne Hathaway had fun, at least.

87. Downsizing (Alexander Payne) – 3.5/10
A small-minded sci-fi which is as bad as Payne’s previous movies – glad everyone else is catching up.

88. Molly’s Game (Aaron Sorkin) – 3.5/10
Imagine The Social Network if: a) it was directed, blandly, by Sorkin b) Zuckerberg was IRL BFFs with Sorkin c) the Zuckerberg character was called Tech Developer X and played by Michael Cera d) for some reason, Zuckerberg’s dad appears at the end and does an entire monologue to his face that has little to do with anything e) it’s about Twitter.

89. A Quiet Place (Jim from The Office) – 3.5/10
Sorry, I can’t hear you – the goddamn music’s so loud.

90. The Legacy of a Whitetail Deer Hunter (Jody Hill) – 3.5/10
A straight-to-Netflix snoozefest.

91. Game Over, Man (Kyle Newacheck) – 3.5/10
A straight-to-Netflix snoozefest.

92. A Futile and Stupid Gesture (David Wain) – 3.5/10
A straight-to-Netflix snoozefest.

93. Ibiza (Alex Richanbach) – 3.5/10
A straight-to-Netflix snoozefest.

94. Mute (Duncan Jones) – 3/10
A straight-to-Netflix snoozefest.

95. Extinction (Ben Young) – 3/10
A straight-to-Netflix snoozefest.

96. Assassination Nation (Sam Levinson) – 3/10
A marketing exercise gone wrong.

97. Avengers: Infinity War (Russo brothers) – 3/10
It’s as if someone, perhaps two siblings, made an admittedly efficient compilation of all the worst bits of the MCU movies. It simultaneously feels like an exhausting three-movie marathon, yet also an incomplete story – part two is still to come. Without Thor and the Guardians, it would have felt like five hours. Perhaps someone should’ve snapped their fingers and sliced the whole thing in half.

98. Bad Times at the El Royale (Drew Goddard) – 3/10
It’s two-and-a-bit hours long but felt like three hours at least. Goddard writes all his first drafts in long-hand – maybe that’s to blame? Would love to know what he thinks this film thematically does, says or explores, beyond just whacking a few separate, equally dull stories together. And inserting a flashback about a character’s secret gun skills is a pathetic storytelling copout. Hooray for the Dolan cameo, though.

99. The Predator (Shane Black) – 2.5/10
Spectacularly amateurish and incoherent. I wasn’t expecting much, but even Black’s one-liners seem to be missing.

100. An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn (Jim Hosking) – 2.5/10
If you weren’t a fan of The Greasy Strangler, then stay very far away. In one sense, I admired Hosking doubling down on his comedy voice – weird for the sake of being weird – but I left empathising with people don’t get Yorgos Lanthimos.

101. The Cloverfield Paradox (Julius Onah) – 2.5/10
I feel bad for Uziel, whose God’s Particle script wasn’t exactly Shakespeare, but the hoops he jumps through to join the Cloverfield universe culminates in a script seemingly made on a dare – a suspicion confirmed by O’Dowd’s hand ripping off.

102. Funny Cow (Adrian Shergold) – 2.5/10
The writing is clunky (the scene in the bathroom is especially embarrassing). None of the characters feel real, engaging or memorable. The handling of the era’s racist material is misguided. It mistakes domestic abuse for characterisation. The lifeless comedy scenes feel like watching someone at a supermarket. It’d be nice to say this is the kind of thing that’d go straight to Netflix a year later, but maybe it’d be better for one of those streaming services, like Seeso, that go out of business within a few months. By the end, I died a thousand deaths.

103. The Happytime Murders (Brian Henson) – 2/10
Fair enough – this was actually worse than I expected.

104. Ready Player One (Steven Spielberg) – 2/10
I knew within two minutes I would hate this. I would have walked out, but I was trapped in the centre of a packed cinema.

105. Terminal (Vaughn Stein) – 1/10
It’s 2018’s The Book of Henry. I would love to know what the director, cast and producers really think of the final product.

This list was strictly 2019 UK releases. So you will have to wait until December 2010 (or January 2020) to find out how much I loved Burning, The Favourite etc. Take care.

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